I woke up Saturday feeling like crap.
It wasn't a hangover. I rarely drink any more and when I do it is one or two beers.
My tolerance for mood-altering chemicals has dropped to near zero. Even caffeine.
It wasn't in my body. Not in the way you think, like post-exercise stiffness. I haven't lifted since July of last year thanks to YOU KNOW WHY. But I do a lot of bodyweight work on a daily basis. It keeps me halfway fit. Too much volume on that can wipe me out, but it wasn't this.
I woke up with a spiritual void chewing at the roots of my being.
I couldn't focus. The thought of doing anything repulsed me.
I call that my "inner toddler". Every idea I consider gets a "NO!" and a sulk.
Some people call this "depression". I used to be one of them. But it's not a mental disorder. It's not because of emotions. It's not even a neuro-chemical problem like the brain-obsessed people insist.
It's a loss of meaning.
Which is amplified 1000x by a disordered body.
While deep in meditation some years ago, I discovered that the feelings I thought were in my inner world were really feelings in my body. I wasn't able to tell a physical feeling in my throat and chest from an emotional feeling of "the blues".
My body felt off and I interpreted that as an inner state of my mind.
Lack of sleep, fatigue, too many stimulants, and bad food can all disrupt your body unconsciously... and that disturbance reflects in your feelings and thoughts.
Combine this with a lack of direction and focus, you get a recipe for gloom and doom.
When this happens you have two options:
1. You can let the feelings and negative self-talk run away with you, and mope like a victim. This is what most people do.
2. You can understand that feelings and thoughts come according to their own rules, but that your essential being is NOT what you feel or think at any moment.
The best thing to do, when you feel like that, is ANYTHING.
If lack of purpose makes you feel bored and bothered, then the remedy is plain old
I made myself get up and move. Squats, pushups, handstand practice, pistol practice, burpees.
I made myself read. Getting lost in a book for half an hour is a great way to distract yourself from the inner hurricane.
I made myself write. Set a timer for 10 minutes and write out all that "head trash" that is supposed to be bugging me.
Getting it on to the page makes it objective. You can look at it like you're looking at a friend's problems. It's always easier to tell a friend what to do.
I don't know if this helps your life at all, but it's made a huge difference in how I relate to "bad days".
Be good & take it easy.
PS Here's your regular reminder to check out what's going on inside Night's Gate: